Why I Let Go Of My Old Life
Written by Ben
Hey Tribe,
Welcome back!
I looked at myself and thought, "I'll never have the life I want if I keep doing what I'm doing."
I wasn't willing to let go of friends I'd outgrown, my lifestyle was stagnant at best, and I secretly craved responsibility but didn't feel deserving of it.
I wanted a job and to develop myself professionally, but only two places even interviewed me, and the one that hired me closed down later that week.
I'd do alright with girls, but my relationships with them would be based on image and using, not on attachment, trust, and growth.
My social circle was fine, but as I said, I'd outgrown it. I wanted more than doing the same shit with the same people every weekend, though I pretended to enjoy the boozing and the mediocre partying.
I was scared to be alone.
So I kept up my image and my dishonest relationships. I had little else going for me.
Even I was sick of my Douchey Party Boy image. I was sick of being nothing without my social circle.
Then my changes in values, my manipulative and dishonest behavior, and my lack of real direction in life caught up with me.
My social life died, I ended up on bad terms with people I used to party hard with, I drifted from all my friends I'd see outside partying, my FWB at the time committed to another guy, and though I quit alcohol after a couple disappointing nights out, my other drug use messed up my mental health and got in the way of my academics.
I fell into a pit of nihilism.
At first, I kept up my bad habits. I tried half-assing my way through another semester of school, but I dropped out halfway into it because of declining grades and mental health. I still indulged in the highs I allowed myself to have, then I got completely sober after a horrific withdrawal experience. I still chased Tinder girls, but that'd go nowhere. Even through digital communication, my energy was lacking.
"I'll never have the life I want if I keep doing what I'm doing."
That wasn't an instant conscious realization. It slowly ignited in me over probably 5 months to almost a year, and I'd keep denying it before I let it fully hit me. With every disappointing night out, with every girl I didn't feel deserving of, with every minute I'd put into school just because I had nothing better to do, and with every lonely moment I suffered through, that realization got stronger.
I went to one party during the pit of nihilism. I didn't drink there, but I bought some weed and got high.
I chatted up a girl, and I naturally defaulted to bonding with her over alcohol, drugs, and partying. I didn't know what else to talk about, if not my experiences getting drunk/high and some of my funny partying stories. I later hit up her DMs, did my "thought you were cute" move, and got the "sorry, I'm not looking for anything rn" rejection.
Then she blocked me.
WELP.
A few months later, I picked up a girl I was taking the same bus with after a group job interview, and we went on a date.
She was a decent girl. Cute, nice athletic body, spoke 3 languages, went to school in Europe, and was studying dance. She brought a lot to the table during the brief time I knew her.
Then when we talked about me during the pickup and the date, at least 80% of the conversation was about partying and alcohol.
She lost interest in me during the date and of course, we didn't go on a second one.
YIKES.
THEN, I SAW JUST HOW BADLY I'D FUCKED UP WITH MY OLD HABITS.
That date put into perspective how much of my identity truly came from drunkenness, highs, and partying.
With that identity, I couldn't retain a girl of quality, be a trustworthy employee or businessman, or have a social circle full of growing, virtuous people.
Sex, dating, alcohol, drugs, and partying were 70-80% of what I could tolerate talking about with anyone, so I decided to leverage that fact for a higher purpose. I didn't have to sacrifice those parts of my identity while searching for new ones.
Instead of forgetting about them, I started writing about them because of course, I'm far from the only person who's experienced what I have. I knew plenty of people could relate to what I had to say.
I started tweeting about that part of my life, I wrote an ebook about alcohol abuse that sold only one copy (it sucked anyway, so don't ask me to let you read it), and I started to have a great time writing for this newsletter.
These days, my identity comes from better things, and I'm building a life I'm proud of, not just settling for a life I've been given. Instead of waiting for the right "someday" to start actualizing myself, I'm doing so TODAY.
My social life is far less abundant than it was when I was perpetually seeking highs, but I'm much happier and more secure than that version of myself. I have high standards for who and what I let into my life. I'm ruthless about rejecting people and behaviors that don't align with my vision for myself, even if it means I have to be alone for a long while.
And when I attract a new social life, it'll be courtesy of my current growing self, not of one that's failed me.
When your identity comes from things that happen to you, and not from what you DO, what you create, and the change you make in the world, it'll disappoint you and leave you empty more often than not.
You want a life where you're an active creator, not a passive recipient of whatever bullshit it throws your way.
I sometimes miss my old life. I get nostalgic for the days I'd get up to immature bullshit, get drunk or high alone or with friends, and talk to strangers during drunken nights out.
But I know I won't have that life again, and that I can get its positives without its negatives. I've tasted what's possible and I won't settle for anything less than growth, virtue, and personal success.
In this pursuit of a healthier life, adjusting to a new set of standards in dating was difficult for me. I no longer found value in mediocre club thots or anxietygirls I'd have insecure relationships with, so what the hell was I to do?
I didn't usually deal with a higher caliber of lady, but that's who I want to be with and I won't settle for anything less. Learning to reject girls who don't fit a certain standard is one of the most valuable dating skills I've learned.
If you're getting sober and/or practicing new healthier habits, you may think you'll never attract a partner who isn't turned off by your past degeneracy or decay, and that you can only be with someone who's had similar experiences.
Wrong.
You can attract the (wo)men you REALLY desire. Just the fact that you're already committing to healthier habits means you have it in you. If you didn't have it in you, you'd be sticking with your decay-inducing habits instead. We've all made our mistakes, but not all of us choose to rise above them and grow into better people.
To accelerate this process, work with me to level up your dating life!
I've been down the path of degeneracy and decay and risen above it, so I know what's possible. I know how the dating world works when you're a low-vibration loser and how it works when you're a high-vibration winner.
Truth is, attracting high-vibration people is nothing like attracting low-vibration people.
You may think you're broken and that you have to settle for low-vibration people, but that's only as true as you let it be.
I'm here to help, through writing this newsletter for you now and also, through my website, Chemistry Method, or my personal one, where you can work with me. Just click the links below.
TTYL,
Ben
Website - Chemistry Method
Website - Personal